More or Less, Yes

After 29 years of thinking that I want more out of life, I’ve come to the halting realization that in actuality, I want less.

I want less commitment, less definitive purpose and less of a path to follow. With the subsequent time and energy afforded by less, maybe I won’t find myself overwhelmed by the constant nagging notion of productivity as a prescription for full life. Maybe I’ll become unconsciously absorbed in the details of this beautiful planet and have no choice but to fight tooth and nail for its survival. Maybe I’ll find a way to write words that express the feeling I get in the face of fear and the exuberance for life that follows without sounding maddeningly cliché.

This realization comes with a mixed bag of emotions.

In the wake of conversations with friends who share similar desires and values I want to bolt out the door and start loading up a van - birds of paradise exploding from my chest. Other times I sit alone at a table full of strangers and feel like a small, insignificant lunatic who needs to start paying their dues and jump on the drunken misery train of mundane ASAP.

So why? Why not just “go for it”?

Well…I’m thinking too linearly. This isn’t just a switch to flip. It’s a progression. It’s the slow unraveling of a façade that came with the unexpected and sickly alluring world of more. It’s finding comfort in familiar scars; making uncertainly a friendlier foe and understanding that infinite possibility has no end. It’s ending the battle of should and starting the adventure of could.

So thats why. That's why I AM going for it. Slowly but ever more surely, beginning, with less.