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| If a picture could say it all. |
At this juncture I’ve had several people in my life die,
including an assortment of friends and family. I’ve felt a sense of loss with
each death but this fall, when I had to accept that my grandpa was sick with
brain cancer, and now far too quickly, no longer with me, dead; I felt a hole
of remorse and pain I’ve never felt before. My grandpa, Pop, was my everything.
He died almost two months ago and I’ve been struggling to
write something because I want whatever I write to be perfect. I don’t want to
summarize his life, I want to honor his life. As I slowly begin to formulate
ideas of how to best do this (I have a general idea but the end product will
take some time) in this post I’ll tell you about a bird I’ve been seeing
regularly ever since he passed: The Great Blue Heron.
No joke, I’ve been seeing Great Blue Herons EVERYWHERE
lately. If not daily, I’ve seen this
great bird multiple times a day in the most interesting places. I’ve seen him
flying over head, stalking prey in ponds, and suddenly springing into action
with a slightly too close for comfort interaction with Josey. I’ve seen him in
Colorado, Nebraska, Chicago and North Carolina.
I’ve adopted the Great Blue Heron into my life as my animal
totem, my guiding force – an animal that presented itself so perfectly timed
with my grandfather’s passing that I easily brush aside cynical doubts as to
its meaning and validity. I never looked at the Great Blue Heron carefully
before or taken any interest in him whatsoever, but knowing my grandfather’s
interest in ornithology and this bird’s great power, I’ve quickly become
fascinated.
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| The Great Blue Heron - a photo from the interweb |
The Great Blue Heron represents self-determination and a
jack-of-all-trades, reminding me to continue to trust and pursue my relatively
unconventional path. He also teaches that grounding yourself in all manners of
the sense can lead to valuable emotional insights. These are always the things
my grandfather provided me with – unwavering belief in any endeavor I embraced
– always encouraging me to make good use of both my body and mind – asking me
to take a harder look at driving forces in my life.
I’ve led a pretty anxiety laden life and I think much of
this has come from feeling a need to have one concrete, end-all goal. As I’ve
begun to honestly address the anxiety in my life (after waking up on my 29th
birthday feeling nauseous, head and heart throbbing) I’ve begun to take the
time to pause and look at the roots of my anxiety more - I’ve begun to take
deeper breaths.
The Great Blue Heron and my grandfather, which I will now
forever equate as one, are teaching me slowly, that to me balance is a little
of this and a little of that. That my love for moving along trails through
dense forests, mountain scenery, and alpine terrain mesh perfectly with my
interest in intimately knowing the natural world, and working to contribute
ever so slightly to the conservation of this planet that I call home.
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| Pop |
As the Great Blue Heron tells me to trust in my self-determination
I find that slow and durable is faster than rapid and rash. I apply lessons of
risk, resilience and restoration to my life and happily find a balance of
introspection and engagement. I see that shifting gears early and often is my
most interested form of life. That I’m a creature who can be both active and quite;
and through this all, why wouldn’t I keep rolling the dice?
Pop was more than just my grandpa, he was that extra special man in my life. I never questioned his love and I knew without a trace
of uncertainty that he would always and forever have my back. I’m thankful the
Great Blue Heron has entered my life. Reminding me to pause. Reminding me to
take a deep breath.
